my not so secret love affair

I love books. I mean, I really really love books. I love the thrill of buying a new book. It is an amazing high. I love making lists of books that I want to read. Thrift stores and garage sales are my favorite. It is like an undiscovered treasure chest...and oh so cheap! There's something so thrilling about skimming a bookshelf, not knowing what the next spine will read. A beautiful red hardcover of A Tale of Two Cities. A like new copy of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette. On one of my recent trips to Out of the Closet thrift store, I purchased a hardcover copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. It is beautiful. It embodies everything that I love about books. It cost less than a dollar, and has a 1943 copyright date. It has that amazingly indescribable old book smell. Every time I open it, it's like stepping inside the public library (which, for me, is heaven). But this book, in particular, feels like a little slice of history. On the front page, in perfect handwriting, the kind you only see your grandma write it, is the name and address of the former owner. In addition, the date is scrawled in the top right-hand corner. It feels like this person loved this book, too. Enough to permanently mark it as their own. The book still has it's original dust jacket, stamped with a note about changing the book format, due to the government paper quota. As if this weren't enough, tucked inside the pages of the book was a brown-edged business card for an auto wrecker in Michigan. Much as I tend to use receipts as bookmarks, the former owner probably used the card. And now I'm using it to mark my place.

How did this book make the journey from Michigan to the thrift store shelf in California? Perhaps someone loved it so much that when they moved they couldn't leave it behind. Or maybe a mother gave it to her daughter, telling her of the beauty of the story. Whatever the case, I am happy that it found its way into my house, into my hands, and into my heart.

Enough Already!

So I've been debating for about a month now how to handle the whole "Bryan Emerald" blog situation. A few days ago, I finally came to the conclusion that I would e-mail him and let him know how I feel. So I have composed a letter. I think it is pretty good. I showed it to two friends and they also thought it was good and appropriate and all that stuff. But my internet has been down for a couple days and so I haven't been able to send it to him. Today, I came home from school, and my internet was working. And now I just cannot send it. I hate confrontation. I don't like confronting my good friends with problems, let alone someone I don't know all that well. The problem is, I tried to ignore the whole ordeal and ignore Bryan Emerald, but that didn't work. It just made me frustrated and upset. So I have to send this e-mail. I am going to send this e-mail. Right now. I can do it. I feel sick...

ideals

Several months ago, a friend encouraged me to fill out the eharmony profile. I filled it in and submitted it and was presented with a handful of my "ideal" matches. It was sort of fun to see what was out there, but I stopped at that. I never forked over the money and so was left with the knowledge that somewhere out there where some men that would supposedly be good for me. I hadn't logged into my eharmony account for some time now, but it seemed I was still on their mailing list. When I opened up my email today I got an e-newsletter from the dating service. I skimmed it, reading that they now have a compatibility profile availble to users. Apparantly, the profile tells you details about what your ideal partner would be like. Curious, I logged into my account and read the (lengthy) description. I was struck by a couple things. One, it was pretty accurate. Two, I'm pretty sure no one like this probably actually exists. I thought it might be fun over the next couple months to post parts of what my "ideal" looks like. First up: social orientation.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Vitality and Security: You have a particular need for a man who is reliable and honest. He is dependable and makes decisions based on his long-term goals. Friends see him as someone who tends to focus on shared goals in a relationship. He has probably chosen a job and lifestyle that lend themselves to longevity and financial stability. Like you, he wants to ensure that his future is safe and secure and he has a good understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.

Character: Your ideal mate is a man who genuinely tries to care for others. His friends see him as someone who knows he's not perfect, but who makes a sincere effort for the important people in his life. He can show great kindness for others on occasion, but is by no means a saint. He will appreciate your compassionate side, but will also understand and empathize with your feeling that there are times when your personal needs and in life may overshadow concern for other people.
Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Kindness: Your ideal mate goes out of his way to shower you with attention. He is likely to perform small acts of kindness others would not even consider, like jotting you a note of appreciation or bringing home your favorite take-out meal when you're tired. He won't take you for granted. He wants to be there for you when you have a problem or when you just want to talk. He is motivated by a strong belief in the importance of treating people with kindness and consideration.

Autonomy: You will be best matched with someone who is interested to know all the important things about your past, but is equally if not more interested in experiencing the present and building a future together. You are most compatible with someone who believes that communication is vital in creating a healthy relationship, but you may have problems with someone who feels a burning need to know every last detail about your past or every thought that crosses your mind. When in a relationship: Your ideal partner sees himself as part of a couple, but still maintains his independence and identity.

Communication: You are best suited to someone who can appreciate the difficulty you sometimes experience in opening up and expressing your inner thoughts and feelings. You will do poorly with someone who expects instant intimacy. Your ideal mate won't feel the need to tell you every detail about himself, and he won't expect you to tell him everything about yourself on the first date. He will appreciate that it takes time for you to open up, and will be a supportive and understanding audience when you do.

Conflict Resolution: You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who understands that not all conflicts can be resolved easily, and that sometimes it's important to stand up for what you believe. He's the kind of person who thinks resolving conflict is important, but making peace isn't worth sacrificing his beliefs. If he thinks he's right, he will probably argue his position, even if it means a disagreement is going to get more heated before it gets resolved.

today, tomorrow, and yesterday

There are days when I feel like I have it all together. The sun is shining. My dishes are done. I am prepared for the next day or two of teaching. And then there are the days where I go outside and find I have egg all over my car. The egging incident didn't actually happen today, but crusty remnants of yolk are still attached to my car door. This on top of the fact that my car, in general, is filthy and in desperate need of a cleaning. And I have a pile of laundry sitting on my couch that needs to be put away. I missed my spinning class today. I had eggs for dinner because I didn't have brown rice for my planned meal. Which wouldn't be so bad except that I have no leftovers to bring for lunch tomorrow. I know these all seem so trivial, but somehow the little things that never really bothered me before are creeping under my skin. Ever since my trip I've been in some sort of mood that I just can't seem to bust out of. I feel like I went away and came back a completely different person. I feel as though I am waiting for something, and I'm not exactly sure what.

random/beautiful song lyric:
if today was not an endless highway if tonight was not a crooked trail
if tomorrow wasn't such a long time then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

From: "Tomorrow is a Long Time" by Bob Dylan
Nickel Creek - Why Should the Fire Die?

so much to say, so much on my mind

My last night in Madrid I was quiet. I tend to get quiet and withdrawn when I am feeling sad. We went to a couple of tapas bars (the shrimp! the asparagus! the calamari!) and I just felt like I couldn't connect. I ended up crying as I walked across Puerta del Sol, the very location I had been cheering in the New Year the previous night. I didn't want to leave. I loved Madrid. I really, really loved it. I didn't want to leave my sister. I didn't want to go back to the responsiblity of a job, and a family. I wanted to keep seeing new places and meeting new people. I wanted to continue dancing to Shakira and drinking sangria at El Buscon. I still wanted to throw napkins and olive pits on the floor while I stood and ate. I still wanted to sit for 2 1/2 hours, eating a delicious lunch and enjoying wonderful conversation, knowing I didn't have anywhere to be, and all the shops were closed anyway. I love this life. And right now, I am wondering if this is the way life is meant to be. I love my life in L.A. I adore my friends and we have fun together. I missed them while I was gone. But coming home was hard. I don't have a conclusion to this becaue I feel very confused. Maybe it was just a really good vacation. But life can't always be a vacation. Maybe I love too much to be happy. I really enjoy embracing every moment and squeezing the life out of it. I think I am a passionate person. Perhaps to a fault.