i'm expecting

I have a really difficult time with disappointment. If I am excited and anticipating something, and my expectations are not met, it tends to really bum me out. This is true of many things. Movies, books. It is tough when I am looking forward to an event or experience and it falls short of my expectations. The worst, though, is when people disappoint. Of course, I am to blame for this. I know that no one is perfect. It's not fair of me to expect people to be anything that they are not, or cannot be. So i'm working on this and dealing with it. And hopefully I will expect reality and not perfection.

time keeps on ticking (ticking)

I actually have time right now. It's amazing. Incredible, really. I've been so busy for so long and now I have time to just be. Yesterday I went to spin class. Today I am at Swork checking emails and such. Free time is an amazing thing. But I feel this incredible tension between wanting to appreciate and enjoy the peace, and feeling like I ought to be doing something. So there's anxiousness in the calm.

Pretty soon I will be 26. I'm not sure how I'm going to celebrate. I kind of feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and "la la la-ing" the day away. It seems old. I should be writing or creating. Mothering or married. Why is there such pressure to grow up? I think I understand the story of Peter Pan better now then I did at 6. Why are we always so busy looking around the corner? I so want to appreciate what is right here in front of me. I want to grab the now and hold onto it. Squeeze every bit of life out of it. I want to enjoy being single and unattached. Sometimes it can be depressing or lonely, but it can also be exciting and surprising. I want, somehow to find a balance. Sometimes life can be messy. We hurt people. People hurt us. We care too much or not enough. But we can feel and we can love and we can experience. So maybe I should be excited about getting older. Refuse to be cynical or pessimistic. I will do my best.