I am ok

Disappointment stifles all.

I try to push it away,

But all my strength is not enough.

Friends lend a hand,

But it stands firm,

Steadfastly cemented in place,

And the resistance

Seems to make it stronger.

There was so much hope:

Mounds and mounds

Piled high.

I let it cover me

'Til I could see nothing else.

But all has been devoured

By the greedy monster of absence.

How can nothing take so much?

It gets fat off sleep, joy, motivation

And I am left with an emptiness

I want desperately to fill.

Why do I always run with arms

wide open,

When I should tip toe cautiously--

wary of the land mines hidden

below the surface,

Ready to destroy me.

Holiday Gift Guide

A little something I put together for fun. Most are under $30!

The Pencil Factory Newsprint, $10
Promotional newsprint poster zine by the illustrators and designers in The Pencil Factory
http://thepencilfactory.bigcartel.com/product/15-uses-for-newsprint


Bananagrams game, $15.50
Sorta Scrabble crossed with Boggle. Shout out to Jessie Rupert.
http://www.blueribbongeneralstore.net/2008-p-Games.html


Pride and Prejudice with Ruben Toledo, $16
Jane Austen plus couture fashion illustrator equals girly perfection.
http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=5268&style=N/A


Foodie Fight game, $19.95
All the fun, none of the mess.
http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=3232&style=N/A


Studded Blackhearts Belt, $14
Add a little edge to an outfit.
http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=5348&style=MD/LG


Fuji Instax Instant Camera, $130

The Polariod of 2010.
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com:80/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=10&startValue=11&selectedProductColor

=&sortby=&id=17140518&parentid=A_COLL_TOPRATED&sortProperties=

+subCategoryPosition,&navCount=60&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=

A_COLL_TOPRATED&popId=APARTMENT_WHATSNEW&prepushId=


Jamie’s Food Revolution Cookbook, $26.25
I fell in love with this cookbook while in England this summer. Love Jamie for his delicious, simple, straight-forward approach to cooking.
http://www.amazon.com/Jamies-Food-Revolution-Rediscover-Affordable/dp/1401323596/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I21TUHSEU4LTRJ&colid=2AXJR49FOSHS3


The Twilight Saga: New Moon Soundtrack, $9.99
Whether you’re obsessed (Team Edward! Team Jacob!) or just wish it would come to an end already, you will be impressed by this collection of music. Bon Iver, Anya Marina, Death Cab for Cutie. Like a really good mix CD. Every song’s a winner.
http://www.amazon.com/Twilight-Saga-New-Moon-Soundtrack/dp/B0029O08WA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1259789406&sr=8-1


Personal Pocket Calendar, $25
Staying organized and beautiful.
http://www.jcrew.com/AST/DynamicAsst/GiftGuide2009/forher/25under/PRDOVR~20918/20918.jsp


Crushed Glitter Magic Wallet, $16.50
Because sometimes you need a little glamour in your pocket.
http://www.jcrew.com/AST/DynamicAsst/GiftGuide2009/forher/25under/PRDOVR~20986/20986.jsp


Sprigs Banjees Wrist Wallet, $14.95-$17.95
Solves my “what to do with my keys during my run” problem. Am also considering wearing it as a cuff next time I go out dancing.
http://www.sprigsville.com/banjees/index.html


Bean’s Moonbeam Clock, $39.50
The sound of a buzzing alarm makes me cringe. Being awoken by a light sounds wonderful. And the cute retro design is fantastic as well.
http://www.llbean.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/CategoryDisplay?catalog_id=PN&storeId=1&langId=-1&catalogId=1&categoryId=33149&ddkey=http:LLBSearchDispatch


Mr. Beer Deluxe Edition Home Brew Kit, $29.95
What guy (or girl!) wouldn’t love to a) make his own beer, and b) drink it!
http://www.mrbeer.com/category-exec/category_id/2


Sephora by OPI Nail Colour Gift Set, $18
Tight budget means no extra cash for manicures and pedicures. Not a problem with these three perfect colors in a formula that really stands up.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P249357&categoryId=C19281


Main Street Market Tote Bag in Cream Stripe, $35
Yes, it’s a man-purse, but why should girls have all the fun?! Plus, if he doesn’t like it, you can steal it. It’s a win-win, really.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32886190


Happy shopping!

Hold on tight cause you might fall

She felt so hopeful.
This one was different.
This one was easy from hello.
But as each minute passed,
the optimism dissipates
like steam on a mirror
once the door opens.
And try as she might
she couldn't quite shake him.
The thin thread of hope
she clings to with both hands,
fists clenched as though ready for battle.
But she didn't want a fight
or a struggle.
She wanted the ease and simplicity
of the click, the knowing.
To compare the then with the now
would be quite a distance to cover:
From a no-escape, beaming smile
To a pit of despair.
Once again realizing,
she falls too fast.

What's On Your Sleeve?

Nonchalance is not in my repertoire.
I wish it were.
Oh! To be flippant and free
from the weight of opinions
and desires,
To not be bogged down
By the whys and what ifs
and maybes.
But me,
I wear not just my heart
on my sleeve,
but my head, my mouth, my skin,
as well.
And it's impossible not to care
When left exposed like that.
I want to cut myself open,
Tuck them back inside
And sew it all back up.
But the crooked stitches would show:
The flaws left out
for visual fodder.
How do you do it?
Or am I just blind
To the seams and organs?

okay

sometimes okay should be enough
happiness should be found in the simple
the melody of a song
a beautiful family
a conversation with an old friend.
but at times
life is too much
and knowing it's good
doesn't make it so.
thankfulness is overshadowed
by disappointment
the uphill never peaks.
a longing for
the joy of the downhill run,
carefree and easy.
but feet drag and breath is heavy
and past and future joy
cannot sustain the present.

three

1
He has seen more than I
His height betrays his age
He has watched from his steady home
The ever changing parade of fashions
On this outdoor runway.
He has seen the timid, soft-feathered duckling
become the sleek, assertive duck.
He watched as lovers kissed
and others fought, spouting words of hate.
He has taken part in picnics
and observed teenagers tasting their first drink,
puffing their first cigarette.
Oh, the stories he could tell.
But no one will ever hear.
His is a life of silence,
A life of beauty and strength,
But quiet.
The only sound,
The sigh of a breeze
passing through his leaves.

2
Perfection exists:
in a cold glass of Pimms,
a view of the river,
the dome of St. Pauls.
Making you feel
a little closer to heaven;
the eternal joy of a life enjoyed.
Can I sit here forever
in this moment of bliss,
where I taste the divine?
It blows over me
like a welcome breeze
on a scorching day.

3
Just because I should know better
doesn't mean I do.
I grow tired of the constant battle
between my head and my heart.
I want to dream big
but an exposed heart
is often left raw.
But one sheletered,
is that better?
The possibility of pain is small,
but the chance of joy even smaller.
Shall I take the gamble,
toss the dice,
lay my cards on the table,
or maintain my poker face?
Cause this is an all or nothing situation.
Not sure if I can give it all,
not willing to end up with nothing.

A Park in London on the 4th of July

Ah, the irony. I am in England on the day we Americans celebrate our independence from England. But it was a beautiful day and I spent it in a park with friends. Started at the best farmer's market ever, Broadway Market in East London. Mushroom and cheese sandwich, Vietnamese coffee, and salted caramel Violet cupcake (apparently Stella McCartney, Keira Knightley, and Jamie Oliver are fans). Seriously delicious. Then Mark brought Cara and I red wine. The Europeans get it right here. Good food, wine, and friends, outside on a gorgeous day. There was one 4th of July party going on: American flag hanging, BBQ, "American" attire (consisting of cowboy hats and boots and Red Sox and Mets Tshirts). And they were British. Funny. And some of my musings from the day:

Burst of green overhead
A mosaic of blankets laid every which way
Clouds of gray smoke pouring from BBQs
Tall cans of cold beer
A melting pot of people
Celebrating independence?
Probably not
Far too many British accents for that.
But perhaps freedom.
Freedom from clouds and rain
From work and everyday mundane
A celebration of sun and Saturday and summer
So happy fourth of July
from this American girl
sitting on a London plot of land.

***

Are people more in love in the summer
or does the warmth and sun
force couples out of hiding?
Winter is all wine and fireplaces and
cuddling under old quilts.
In the winter, love is private.
But once the golden rays of sun
streak the brilliant blue skies
People are awakened
from their lovers' hibernation.
Summer, that time of little clothing,
melting ice creams,
the carefree "school's out" feeling,
sweat dripping down the body's covered valleys,
the seductive pull of the ocean, the pool.
And instead of a cuddle under a quilt,
a cuddle on a quilt
surrounded by trees
beckoning lovers to come
lay among them.

I Am Sad

Why, you may ask? How is this possible? I am in the middle of a lovely holiday, seeing breath-taking sights, drinking pints, not a care in the world. But unfortunately, tragedy struck on my last night in Liverpool. I was sitting at the Cavern Club, former musical venue of the Beatles. I went to take a picture of something I found fascinating. And it just didn’t work. The instructions on screen said “Turn camera off then on again.” I followed them, and it still didn’t work. Since that night, I’ve tried everything. Fully charged battery. Check. Change the memory card. Check. Download pictures. Check. Give it a bit of a rest and try again. Check. All efforts were unsuccessful. And now, my one-year old camera is dead, and I have five weeks ahead of me, and one behind, photographically undocumented. It really is a tragedy.

So, since I have no photos to share, I will give “word images” of some highlights.

2:30 am. Hostel hallway in Liverpool. Tousled hair, squinty eyes, pajamas, wallet in hand, asking hostel worker if we have to evacuate due to the fire alarm.

Teeny, tiny, narrow country English, lake-side road. Anna squeezing our car between a stone wall and a tractor. Me gnawing my nails and praying we fit through.

Me seated on a grassy hillside staring out at a postcard-perfect lake surrounded by lush green hills, sheep chewing their green grassy dinner nearby.

A sunny day in Glasgow. Corner coffee shop. Me standing, cell phone in hand, arms straight and stiff at side, uncomfortable look on my face. Strange Scottish man, curly longish hair, hugging me. (Side note: not hot, not rich, not my age, not a missed opportunity. My quote as he hugged me “Oh, ok then.” His reply: “If the sun doesn’t come out today, my day will still be bright because of your smile.” Seriously? Seriously.)

Seated in a booth at Kama Sutra Indian restauarant (Truly. The menu cover had a romantic black and white photo of a couple in an intimate embrace) in Glasgow with Anna and Gerry. Three starters on our table; me taking my first bite of haggis, Indian style. (Scary, but surprisingly tasty. If you don’t know what it is, don’t google it cause you’ll think I’m gross. Although, as Anna said, anything fried and dipped in sauce would taste good.)

Outdoor seating on pedestrian only Rose Street in Edinburgh. A small salad, a glass of white wine, crusty white bread, and a heaping bowl of brothy mussels. Squinting in the bright sun. Tide pen in hand trying to “erase” the soupy mussel mess I got on my white T-shirt.

Seated in an old Edinburgh square surrounded by stone buildings and cobblestone streets. Half pint in hand. Dusk. Male and female actors telling the stories of Scottish literary figures.

Really really hope I can get my camera fixed.

Tomorrow, big tour around day in Edinburgh. xx

Road Bumps

So far, so good. It's been a busy, fun, tiring, exhilirating, relaxing, tasty, frustrating few days. Started off with a delayed plane and a center seat. I was able to change to an aisle (!) and when I boarded the plane, no one was seated next to me on the window(!!). I had two seats, an aisle, and a window all to myself. Awesome. And a word of advice: if you are on a Virgin flight and they ask you your meal choice, don't waiver between chicken or pasta; instead, ask which includes the rich, chocolatey, fudgy brownie. Trust me, you will thank me later.

After a well-slept flight (thanks to Ambien and Lisa), I rushed off the plane. I got a bit of the 9th degree at customs (How are you paying for your trip? Umm...my salary?, Schools in the US are on summer holidays? What...yes. Why does customs always make me nervous?). Eventually, I made it through, got my luggage, and met Anna. Because of my delayed plane, we rushed to the bus station and stepped on the bus literally a minute before he closed the door and drove off! Phew!

Made it to Bath. Had a lovely meal at a lovely restaurant. Except I got fish. It was a very bony fish. Needless to say, eating it was a bit of a task. Next day, Anna and I went on a FREE 2 hour tour. Informative, fun, great overview of Bath. Ate at Jamie's Italian. Anyone who knows me knows who Jamie is. They had carbonara on the menu. Pff...I make that! Did eat the best antipasto plate ever-mozzarella, mortadella, salami, olives. And truffle pasta. I swear, Jamie can do no wrong. The early evening was spent soaking in the rooftop baths, and the underground baths, and sweating in the steam rooms. However, there were these 18 year olds making out the whole time. I saw the boys tongue twice. And I was trying hard to avoid seeing them. Gross. Ended the day with pints and crisps at The Pig and Fiddle, outdoor at picnic tables. If I lived in Bath, this would be my spot. Truly ended the day with chips with cheese from a "taco truck" style auto (except they don't serve tacos, mainly just burgers). Anna and I like to call out "-Insert current city of residence- Kogi" every time we see one.

Ran around Bath the next morning. Most of today was spent in the car. Anna drove, and she has been a quick learner. I clap every time we make it through a round about. However, our two hour trip took about five. Two of those extra hours were spent driving around Oxford. Oxford loves bikes. Oxford likes pedestrians. Oxford hates cars. HATES. Streets are not labeled. And even if they were, they change names after one or two blocks. If you are lucky, they continue beyond one block. Because streets in Oxford like to dead end or close to only pedestrians or bikes. I thought finding a hotel in the city centre was a good idea. It is now we're here. Not so much getting here. Oxford will punish you for having a car. Not only in the form of confusing streets, but financially as well. It cost 22 pounds to park our car somewhat near our hotel. Thank you Oxford. I must say, though, Anna is a star. She has the best attitude ever. I get stressed and try to stay calm, but usually fail miserably. Anna is a rock. A positive rock.

Our hotel is adorable, our room like a little cottage. We saw the "quarter boys" that ding the bell every fifteen minutes on a clock tower. We saw the place where Bloody Mary burned martyrs at the stake. We drank and ate at The Eagle and Child where C.S. Lewis and Tolkien used to hang. We walked and then negated any good that did by eating tasty, creamy homemade ice cream (I told Anna, only eat ice cream from places with a line...this line went out the door). And the sunset was beautiful.

Sorry this reads a bit like a list. I promise once I get to London my prose will be more polished. Or maybe as my trip goes on I'll be more concise. Loads of love to all.

only time will tell

So I stumbled across this comic online at xkcd.com. There's some great stuff on the site if you have a few minutes to kill, but this one stuck out to me as super appropriate to the crazy world of dating and relationships.

the bar series

I
He could fly away from here:
Away from the endless drinks,
The pumping bass,
The incessant small talk.
He could be happy somewhere else.
Peaceful.
But night after night
He returns.
And hopes what?
That here,
Amidst the noise and hectic chaos,
He'll find his peace?
Oh no.
Not here.
This is a false promise
Full of empty desire
And hollow hope.
No.
He will construct his wings and take flight.
He will find his inspiration
Among the clouds and stars,
Where dreams are sent.

II
She could listen to the words sung
Of love and heartbreak
And she'd try and remove herself,
Detach herself from reality.
But the resonation was too true.
And in the middle of the room,
Packed with strangers, and a few she knew,
She wondered if she would stand
Alone forever,
Her only support
The sticky banister,
Her only fill,
The remnants of an Indian dinner.
She wondered if she could be
Happy in this.
If this could be enough.

The Study of Dating

Who's your Daddy?
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/02/11/lw.programmed.to.marry.parents/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

and

Money vs. Man?
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/12/fashion/12dating.html?_r=1

Happy Reading!

A Good Holiday For Music

Ah, St. Valentine's Day. What I like about it: chocolate, flowers, love, valentines, cinnamon candy hearts, champagne. What I don't like about it: crowds, expensive prix fixe dinners, feeling more single than usual. Either way, here is my homage to the day of love. My Valentine's playlist: Love, Loss, and Longing. (A little something for everyone.)

LOVE LOSS LONGING

She’s Mine – Brett Dennen
Brand New Start – Little Joy
My Love (Siik Let Go Remix) – Justin Timberlake
Crack the Shutters - Snow Patrol
Everyday – Vetiver
Sleepy Tigers – Her Space Holiday
Feel.Love.Thinking.Of – Faunts

Let’s Get Lost ~ Elliott Smith
I Tried ~ Matt Costa
White Horse ~ Taylor Swift
Try Again ~ Keane
Tiny Vessels ~ Death Cab for Cutie
A Falling Through - Ray La Montagne
You’re A Cad - The Bird and the Bee

Littlest Things ~ Lily Allen
My Stupid Mouth ~ John Mayer
Dropped – Phantom Planet
Extra Special Guy - Gomez
Tired of Being Alone – Al Green
I Don’t Know – Lisa Hannigan


You can listen to most of the songs at this link http://www.playlist.com/playlist/15078667787

There are 3 songs missing (not available on playlist.com): from the LOVE section Feel.Love.Thinking.Of by Faunts, from the LOSS section You're A Cad by The Bird and the Bee, and from the LONGING section Extra Special Guy by Gomez.

Love to all! xxx

I am not invinsible

Funny how some things sort of catch you off guard. You're going along, living your life, and--kerplunk--down drops some obstacle you never expected to appear. Usually, for me, it seems to be some weird health problem that usually only happens to old people: pleurisy, fractured ribs, bronchial infections. The latest one, though, caught me a bit off guard. In late December, this weird rash appeared on my chest, face, and back. It wasn't going away, so I decided to take a trip to my dermatologist. She diagnosed me with pityriasis rosea. It is rare to appear on your face, but this is me, so...While there, I asked her to check out a mole on my right calf. She said it looked fine, but would remove it as a precaution. In. Out. Done. Five days later I got a phone call from my dermatologist telling me the mole was melanoma. I had a little bit of cancer.

Yesterday I went back to remove some of the additional area around where the mole had been. I got a little nervous lying on the paper covered table. A few shots, cuts, stitches, and bandages later, I walked out of the office. I was feeling fine last night. It was uncomfortable, but not too painful. I could walk pretty normally. This morning I woke up and climbed out of bed. My leg hurt pretty bad. So now I am stuck hobbling around. It's kind of tough to teach. My students are calling me Miss Wobbly and like to imitate my limp. They all wanted to hear the story, see the wound. I go back in two weeks to get the stitches removed.

I am not really scared. The survival rate is over 95%. My dermatologist said I caught it really early. But it's weird how something like this can make your realize that you are indeed human. A little part of me always thinks, I take care of myself, eat well, exercise, wear sunscreen, don't smoke, I should be fine. But even trying my best, there are some things that just happen. You just gotta climb over that little bump in the road, and keep moving forward.

In My Head

Sometimes I like to consider different fantasy scenarios in my head. For example, I used to read through my InStyle Magazine and imagine what I would say if they interviewed me to find out what was in my makeup bag. Why InStyle hasn't called me up to ask is beyond me (what? they only want to interview celebrities for that feature?). A couple months ago, while driving with my sisters a music topic came up: if you could be any musical performer alive today, who would you be? Now, this was a bit of a struggle for me. My musical taste is eclectic: from indie rock, to electronica, and hip hop to the poppiest of pop (see post on Taylor Swift). I'm also very much a girly girl. I have no desire to prance around in jeweled lingerie like Britney (everyone heaves a sigh of relief), but I don't want to be a complete hipster, thrift-store wearing rocker chick either. So I threw out Kylie Minogue as my choice: a little older, a little classier, but still very much a popstar. My younger sister, Patty, wasn't convinced. And to be honest neither was I. This morning, while driving to work, I discovered the answer to this question. And it is the right one, I just didn't know it at the time. My choice: Inara George from The Bird and the Bee. Rolling Stone describes the music as, "Greg Kurstin (`bee') and Inara George (`bird') mak[ing] syncopated danceable pop that sounds like audible sunshine." Seriously. You can read this description and know this is the music I would be making if I could. That said, go buy this album now. Or let me know and I'll burn you a copy. It sounds as if I took all my favorite albums and stirred them together into a magical musical soup. It is music to dance to, clean to, drive to, bathe to, cook to. I honestly cannot think of anything I would not want to do without these wonderful little songs drifting through the air.

I'm A Night Owl

Mornings aren't really my thing. Most days, my reluctance to pull myself from my cozy bed means I'm left dashing out the door for work, wearing an ugly outfit, my hair in a ponytail, and a packet of instant oatmeal in my purse (to be consumed during first period) . This morning I was able to get my act together a bit more. I had to, really. It was my friend-coworker's birthday and it was my job to bring "birthday Starbucks" for everyone. After ordering my coffees, I stood chatting with the barista as he made my four drinks. Another customer came up and stood near me. "Whatcha got there?" he asks, eyeing my crate of beverages. "Oh. I bunch of stuff. It's my coworkers birthday, so I'm bringing coffee," I babble on. He proceeds to inquire about what I do and where I work. Eventually he gets to the key question: "So where you going for happy hour tonight?" At this point I realize, oh(!), he's not just being friendly, he's hitting on me. At a Starbucks. At 7:00 in the morning. I tell him we are going to Irvine to Dave and Busters (phew...all the way in Orange County!) But he wasn't done. "So if I come to Irvine tonight can I buy you a drink?" After my uncomfortable laugh, I answer something like, "Uh, sure. Can't turn down a free drink." Luckily, my order was complete at this point. I grabbed my drinks and headed out. "I'm Carlos," he said, as I smiled goodbye and walked away.

Which leads me to ask, is there such a thing as being hit on too early in the morning? I think yes. Especially before I've had my coffee.

Stuck in the Middle

I had a realization last night that my job as a middle school teacher may be rubbing off on me. Here's why. A list of a few of my current favorite things.

1) I am currently reading through the Twilight series. I am about to begin the final book, Breaking Dawn. I saw the movie. I <3 Edward Cullen.


2) I am slightly obsessed with Taylor Swift's album. I did not buy it. It was given to me. But I cannot stop listening to it.


3) My favorite TV shows include Gossip Girl and The Hills.


I am embarrassed and ashamed. I guess it's a good thing I'm not an elementary school teacher. Then I'd be crazy for the Jonas Brothers.