missed opportunity

Sometimes life is full of opportunity. While Jessie and Jo headed out of town to test their endurance and strength in a triathlon, Cara and I packed our overnight bags and took the opportunity to partake in a couple days of fun and relaxation in Santa Monica. To say the weekend was perfect would be an understatement. One thing that Cara and I share is an appreciation for good food. Burgers, beer, and sweet potato fries at Father’s Office, Italian coffee and pastries at Caffe Luxxe, wine and dessert at Bodega, paninis on Main. We also spent the weekend coveting items in various retail locations: dresses in Anthropolgie, shoes in Steve Madden, coats in Club Monaco, everything in Zara. And what perfect weekend would be complete without the perfect movie? The Science of Sleep was everything it should be: creative, beautiful, well-acted, funny, sad, introspective. And the company found in our favorite Santa Monica resident, Lisa K, was superb.

The story of the weekend, however, occured during our final minutes in Santa Monica. Cara and I had spent a few minutes sitting on the beach, enjoying the people, the sun, the waves, the little shells scattered in the sand. We wanted a picture. Usually asking someone to take a photo is not that big of a deal. However, the camera in our possession happened to be Cara’s vintage polaroid. A black, mammoth of a camera...a far cry from the tiny, compact, silver digital variety people are accustomed to today. We asked a lady on the beach, who snapped it before either of us was really ready. Soon it was time to return to the car. Our meter was going to expire.

As we headed up the beach toward the parking, Cara and I chatted about future weddings. Who knows how it came up, but Cara was sharing her idea of an old photo booth at the reception, and old polaroid cameras on the tables. As we approached the bike path we decided to take one final picture and looked around for someone to take it. I saw a man with a shaved head and aviator sunglasses walking towards us. I reached for the camera, and turned to wait for him to approach, but he had already arrived in our path. Cara grabbed the camera, held it out, and asked the man if he could take our picture. As soon as the tall, board short clad man opened his mouth Cara and I could not stop smiling. He had a British accent! Now anyone who knows me, knows I am a fan of the British. But Cara for one, puts me to shame in that category. Now, as if the accent weren’t enough, the good-looking guy starts exclaiming how great the camera is. He was thrilled and excited. As Cara and I stepped back, smiling from ear to ear, he snapped the picture. He handed the camera back to Cara and walked away.

As soon as he was a few steps away, I turned to Cara and said, “You need to give him your number. Get a pen, write your number on this polaroid, and give it to him.” Cara refused. I insisted. She was too embarrassed. I asked her what she had to lose. He was cute, British, loved her camera. And weren’t we just talking about polaroid cameras at her wedding? It felt like a sign. I had almost convinced Cara to go after him. Unfortunately, mystery-Brit happened to be the fastest walker in the history of the world. He was already a speck in the horizon. But I knew this was fate. I was determined for this man to have Cara’s number. So we got in my car and drove down every side street along the beach trying to find him. After we ended up on PCH, headed toward Malibu, I decided it was a lost cause. This fairy tale, unfortunately, does not have a happy ending.

One last part of our weekend. Driving home, Cara and I were giddy from too much fun. We went back in time to the days of childhood when tunnels meant wishes if you held your finger on a screw and held your breath. As we drove through the tunnels on the 110, holding our breaths, fingers pressed to the shiny metal (driving slowly in traffic no less), and wishing, I realized I had ruined my wish. Somehow, with the breath holding, the driving, the traffic, the tunnel, I’d forgotton the essential ingredient: the wish. I guess that makes a missed opportunity for me and Cara.

questions

I have reached a point in life where I realize how many unanswered questions I have floating around in my head. It's odd how for so many years I just believed and accepted things. Not blindly, perhaps, but I never probed or challenged my views, or those held by others. I believed what sounded right, what made sense, but there was never really any depth involved. And then, less than a year ago, I was having a conversation with a friend as I walked on the beach. The conversation began as many single, 25 year old, female conversations begin: on the topic of guys. We talked about Christian individuals dating non-Christians, something I was (am?) against based largely on the fact that I'd been taught since a young age not to be "unequally yoked". This topic eventually evolved into a discussion of our core beliefs as Christians and why we believed what we did.

Since that day on the beach, I've felt as though a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Or perhaps the reality is that the veil has been added; things that once appeared so clear are foggy and gray. Now my mind is filled with questions, questions, questions. War, love, environment, marriage, family, heaven, hell, sin, death, dating. So many things I do not understand. Although these questions can be frustrating, I find it all rather exciting. I am so thankful to be able to ask questions and seek answers. I am so glad that I didn't go through my whole life believing something just because it's what I always heard. Now I can take ownership for what I think and believe. God created intelligent human beings, so shouldn't we be utilizing those God-given brains? I find myself reading the Bible, and other Christian writings, with interest, digging for truth. I listen intently to sermons at church in order to learn, grow, and challenge. I talk with my friends about what I believe, what I have believed, and what I should believe. I want to always be asking questions. I want to always be learning more about this world I live in, the people I interact with, the God I believe in. So tonight, I am thankful for questions and hopeful (and intentionally searching) for answers.

Moving

As I reflect over my last school year, I must say I am quite pleased with how it all turned out. I feel like I really connected with my students and I am happy with the direction the curriculum is going. I enjoy my coworkers and, with my ipod, I don't usually mind the commute. I have been looking forward to a nice relaxing summer, but so far it's been anything but that. Right now I feel incredibly stressed. I'm moving. I was given less than a week's notice. I have a lot of stuff. I don't have enough boxes. Everyone is REALLY busy right now, so for the most party I'm left to fend for myself. The thing is, I'm not a good packer. I don't have that inherent ability to know what goes where. I don't have follow through. I begin packing the kitchen and end up in my closet with my clothes. I honestly feel so overwhelmed by the task in front of me. I spent the bulk of my day packing, taking breaks to read every now and then. I'm going to have to really buckle down tomorrow so I'm ready for moving day on Monday. To add to the horror of it all, I feel sick. Sore throat, cough, achy. Sick and moving. This was most certainly not what I was anticipating as I counted down my school days.

untitled

So much to write, not enough time to write it in. I need to head off to Bible Study right now. It will be nice--coffee, pastry of some sort, prayer, friends, devotions. I am looking forward to it, really. I just wish I had an extra half hour BEFORE it started so that I can jot down a few things here first. Oh well.

Work is good. It's state testing time...two weeks where I feel really bad for the kids and hope and pray that I taught them everything they need to know to do well. I had an end of the year meeting with my principal today. It was nice. My students make me laugh.

Friends are good. I haven't seen as much of them as I'd like, but I guess I'll make it.

Marriage is good. I went to my friend's wedding in San Francisco this weekend. Sunny, blue day in Golden Gate Park. Turtles and ducks. It's nice to see the beginning of marriage. It gives me hope. Love is an amazing, incredible thing. Plus I got to stay in a gorgeous hotel.

God is good. His faithfulness amazes me everyday. Jesus brings a depth and passion to my life that I would sorely miss if he weren't in it.

Shopping is good. I went to H&M and bought cute stuff. I kamikaze shopped. It was sort of fun. I also got a new 12 inch nonstick, oven-safe skillet. It makes me happy to think of the possibilities.

Life is good.

i'm expecting

I have a really difficult time with disappointment. If I am excited and anticipating something, and my expectations are not met, it tends to really bum me out. This is true of many things. Movies, books. It is tough when I am looking forward to an event or experience and it falls short of my expectations. The worst, though, is when people disappoint. Of course, I am to blame for this. I know that no one is perfect. It's not fair of me to expect people to be anything that they are not, or cannot be. So i'm working on this and dealing with it. And hopefully I will expect reality and not perfection.

time keeps on ticking (ticking)

I actually have time right now. It's amazing. Incredible, really. I've been so busy for so long and now I have time to just be. Yesterday I went to spin class. Today I am at Swork checking emails and such. Free time is an amazing thing. But I feel this incredible tension between wanting to appreciate and enjoy the peace, and feeling like I ought to be doing something. So there's anxiousness in the calm.

Pretty soon I will be 26. I'm not sure how I'm going to celebrate. I kind of feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and "la la la-ing" the day away. It seems old. I should be writing or creating. Mothering or married. Why is there such pressure to grow up? I think I understand the story of Peter Pan better now then I did at 6. Why are we always so busy looking around the corner? I so want to appreciate what is right here in front of me. I want to grab the now and hold onto it. Squeeze every bit of life out of it. I want to enjoy being single and unattached. Sometimes it can be depressing or lonely, but it can also be exciting and surprising. I want, somehow to find a balance. Sometimes life can be messy. We hurt people. People hurt us. We care too much or not enough. But we can feel and we can love and we can experience. So maybe I should be excited about getting older. Refuse to be cynical or pessimistic. I will do my best.

a couple things i've been thinking about

Number one. Boys. Relationships. Dating. I'm single and 25 years old, so obviously this is something discussed among my friends and I quite often. I just don't understand why it has to be so complicated. Why aren't people just honest with one another. If a guy is in a relationship, shouldn't he share that information? When I tell someone I'm going to call them, I actually call them! What makes a girl marriage material, but not dateable? Why are Christian guys so unable to initiate anything?

Which leads me to number two. I am quite sure that my earlier insecurities about myself are somewhat rooted in the fact that no guys ever asked me out. My confidence level was at about a zero. I think church boys have somehow been programmed to believe that asking a girl you don't know very well out is a bad idea. Dating leads to bad things. Instead the friend to relationship model is always presented. This is dumb. I think that if you like someone, if you are attracted, interested, whatever...ask them out. So I didn't date. So when guys started asking me out, I was shocked. I am still surprised when some attractive guys wants to go out with ME.

Number three. I am trying to figure out how I can make a career out of making mix CDs. If anyone has suggestions or knows of any job openings in this "field," please let me know.

Number four. Bowling, beer, karaoke, friends, dancing, and breaking 100 for the first time add up to a really, really good Friday night.

Everyone should go buy the book Velvet Elvis. It's really good. (Thanks Jo).

I hope this didn't come off as needy. I am really really happy with my life right now. I was driving in my car today, sun out, windows down, music on, and I just had to smile because I was so happy. So please don't post a comment about how someday I'll meet the perfect guy, because I'm really not fishing for that here. Now I sound mean. I can't win...

burn out

So I'm realizing I may be doing too much. I don't really like sitting around all that much, but I think sitting around every once in a while is probably healthy. Healthy is not a word that I could use to describe myself right now. I took Wednesday off from work because I was achy and had a bad cough. I slept and slept and watched DVDs, ate soup, and drank an obscene amount of water. I felt a lot better the next day. Of course, rather than deciding to take it easy for a few days, I went out the very next night with friends. Then, after 4 hours of sleep and a day at work, I had 18 people over for a St. Patrick's Day dinner party. Taking it easy is apparently a foreign concept to me. So today I am trying to rest. I slept as long as I wanted and had breakfast with the girls.

But it's weird. Things that I want to do to be healthy (spin, physical therapy, cooking real food, bible study, church) take time. So many of my afternoons are devoted to this "healthy" lifestyle, that I feel a bit ragged by the end of the week. It's somewhat of a catch-22 really. Where's the balance?

giving up

One of my co-workers gives up soda every year for Lent. For her, this is a difficult task because she drinks multiple sodas each day. This got me thinking about what I would be willing to sacrifice for 40 days. I have participated in Lent in the past. One year I gave up all sweets and another time I gave up speeding (a particularly difficult thing to do while living in L.A.). During this thinking process, I realized something: I have a lot of things that I'm "addicted" to. Here is a current list of things I would have a really difficult time giving up: morning coffee, my cell phone, weekend breakfasts with the girls, good music, oatmeal, Rosebud Salve, and Thursday nights at Bodega.

Now, if I were REALLY spiritual, I would look at that list and choose something to give up for Lent. On Friday, I had decided on chocolate. That lasted about one hour. What can I say? I guess I'm just not a quitter.

My entrance into dating

You'd think that by the age of twenty-five I would be more used to interactions with guys, but the truth of the matter is, I am not. All the recent Thursday nights out with the girls have led to my giving my number to a couple of guys. At the time of number distribution, I don't think much about it. It is later that the trouble begins for me. So last night when I had two different guys call me up within an hour and a half of each other, I flipped out. Anxiety basically took over. All the confidence I had at the bar originally talking to these guys is replaced by stress and an unsettling flipping of the stomach. I am excited, for the most part. But I think I've been shaking for the last two days. This is going to take some getting used to.

about the blog...

So I have a bit of a problem. I love my blog. I really enjoy thinking of something I would like to share with anyone who cares and writing it down. I like that other people can read my thoughts and comment if they feel so led. The problem here is that now that my internet is gone, my ability to blog on a whim is gone. So today, I sat down with a friend at Swork to utilize the wireless internet. It is the first time i've been online in over a week. I was welcomed by 73 emails (most of them junk, of course), and a handful of myspace comments. After wading through it all, I decided that now was my big opportunity to update my blog. I opened up a new post and was left wordless and thoughtless, staring at the blank box. So this is my frustration. Hopefully my ability to write has not gone away with my "borrowed" wireless internet. Maybe in the future I will keep a handy list of things I'd like to blog about when the chance presents itself. Until then, this will have to do.

my not so secret love affair

I love books. I mean, I really really love books. I love the thrill of buying a new book. It is an amazing high. I love making lists of books that I want to read. Thrift stores and garage sales are my favorite. It is like an undiscovered treasure chest...and oh so cheap! There's something so thrilling about skimming a bookshelf, not knowing what the next spine will read. A beautiful red hardcover of A Tale of Two Cities. A like new copy of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette. On one of my recent trips to Out of the Closet thrift store, I purchased a hardcover copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. It is beautiful. It embodies everything that I love about books. It cost less than a dollar, and has a 1943 copyright date. It has that amazingly indescribable old book smell. Every time I open it, it's like stepping inside the public library (which, for me, is heaven). But this book, in particular, feels like a little slice of history. On the front page, in perfect handwriting, the kind you only see your grandma write it, is the name and address of the former owner. In addition, the date is scrawled in the top right-hand corner. It feels like this person loved this book, too. Enough to permanently mark it as their own. The book still has it's original dust jacket, stamped with a note about changing the book format, due to the government paper quota. As if this weren't enough, tucked inside the pages of the book was a brown-edged business card for an auto wrecker in Michigan. Much as I tend to use receipts as bookmarks, the former owner probably used the card. And now I'm using it to mark my place.

How did this book make the journey from Michigan to the thrift store shelf in California? Perhaps someone loved it so much that when they moved they couldn't leave it behind. Or maybe a mother gave it to her daughter, telling her of the beauty of the story. Whatever the case, I am happy that it found its way into my house, into my hands, and into my heart.

Enough Already!

So I've been debating for about a month now how to handle the whole "Bryan Emerald" blog situation. A few days ago, I finally came to the conclusion that I would e-mail him and let him know how I feel. So I have composed a letter. I think it is pretty good. I showed it to two friends and they also thought it was good and appropriate and all that stuff. But my internet has been down for a couple days and so I haven't been able to send it to him. Today, I came home from school, and my internet was working. And now I just cannot send it. I hate confrontation. I don't like confronting my good friends with problems, let alone someone I don't know all that well. The problem is, I tried to ignore the whole ordeal and ignore Bryan Emerald, but that didn't work. It just made me frustrated and upset. So I have to send this e-mail. I am going to send this e-mail. Right now. I can do it. I feel sick...

ideals

Several months ago, a friend encouraged me to fill out the eharmony profile. I filled it in and submitted it and was presented with a handful of my "ideal" matches. It was sort of fun to see what was out there, but I stopped at that. I never forked over the money and so was left with the knowledge that somewhere out there where some men that would supposedly be good for me. I hadn't logged into my eharmony account for some time now, but it seemed I was still on their mailing list. When I opened up my email today I got an e-newsletter from the dating service. I skimmed it, reading that they now have a compatibility profile availble to users. Apparantly, the profile tells you details about what your ideal partner would be like. Curious, I logged into my account and read the (lengthy) description. I was struck by a couple things. One, it was pretty accurate. Two, I'm pretty sure no one like this probably actually exists. I thought it might be fun over the next couple months to post parts of what my "ideal" looks like. First up: social orientation.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Vitality and Security: You have a particular need for a man who is reliable and honest. He is dependable and makes decisions based on his long-term goals. Friends see him as someone who tends to focus on shared goals in a relationship. He has probably chosen a job and lifestyle that lend themselves to longevity and financial stability. Like you, he wants to ensure that his future is safe and secure and he has a good understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.

Character: Your ideal mate is a man who genuinely tries to care for others. His friends see him as someone who knows he's not perfect, but who makes a sincere effort for the important people in his life. He can show great kindness for others on occasion, but is by no means a saint. He will appreciate your compassionate side, but will also understand and empathize with your feeling that there are times when your personal needs and in life may overshadow concern for other people.
Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Kindness: Your ideal mate goes out of his way to shower you with attention. He is likely to perform small acts of kindness others would not even consider, like jotting you a note of appreciation or bringing home your favorite take-out meal when you're tired. He won't take you for granted. He wants to be there for you when you have a problem or when you just want to talk. He is motivated by a strong belief in the importance of treating people with kindness and consideration.

Autonomy: You will be best matched with someone who is interested to know all the important things about your past, but is equally if not more interested in experiencing the present and building a future together. You are most compatible with someone who believes that communication is vital in creating a healthy relationship, but you may have problems with someone who feels a burning need to know every last detail about your past or every thought that crosses your mind. When in a relationship: Your ideal partner sees himself as part of a couple, but still maintains his independence and identity.

Communication: You are best suited to someone who can appreciate the difficulty you sometimes experience in opening up and expressing your inner thoughts and feelings. You will do poorly with someone who expects instant intimacy. Your ideal mate won't feel the need to tell you every detail about himself, and he won't expect you to tell him everything about yourself on the first date. He will appreciate that it takes time for you to open up, and will be a supportive and understanding audience when you do.

Conflict Resolution: You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who understands that not all conflicts can be resolved easily, and that sometimes it's important to stand up for what you believe. He's the kind of person who thinks resolving conflict is important, but making peace isn't worth sacrificing his beliefs. If he thinks he's right, he will probably argue his position, even if it means a disagreement is going to get more heated before it gets resolved.

today, tomorrow, and yesterday

There are days when I feel like I have it all together. The sun is shining. My dishes are done. I am prepared for the next day or two of teaching. And then there are the days where I go outside and find I have egg all over my car. The egging incident didn't actually happen today, but crusty remnants of yolk are still attached to my car door. This on top of the fact that my car, in general, is filthy and in desperate need of a cleaning. And I have a pile of laundry sitting on my couch that needs to be put away. I missed my spinning class today. I had eggs for dinner because I didn't have brown rice for my planned meal. Which wouldn't be so bad except that I have no leftovers to bring for lunch tomorrow. I know these all seem so trivial, but somehow the little things that never really bothered me before are creeping under my skin. Ever since my trip I've been in some sort of mood that I just can't seem to bust out of. I feel like I went away and came back a completely different person. I feel as though I am waiting for something, and I'm not exactly sure what.

random/beautiful song lyric:
if today was not an endless highway if tonight was not a crooked trail
if tomorrow wasn't such a long time then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

From: "Tomorrow is a Long Time" by Bob Dylan
Nickel Creek - Why Should the Fire Die?

so much to say, so much on my mind

My last night in Madrid I was quiet. I tend to get quiet and withdrawn when I am feeling sad. We went to a couple of tapas bars (the shrimp! the asparagus! the calamari!) and I just felt like I couldn't connect. I ended up crying as I walked across Puerta del Sol, the very location I had been cheering in the New Year the previous night. I didn't want to leave. I loved Madrid. I really, really loved it. I didn't want to leave my sister. I didn't want to go back to the responsiblity of a job, and a family. I wanted to keep seeing new places and meeting new people. I wanted to continue dancing to Shakira and drinking sangria at El Buscon. I still wanted to throw napkins and olive pits on the floor while I stood and ate. I still wanted to sit for 2 1/2 hours, eating a delicious lunch and enjoying wonderful conversation, knowing I didn't have anywhere to be, and all the shops were closed anyway. I love this life. And right now, I am wondering if this is the way life is meant to be. I love my life in L.A. I adore my friends and we have fun together. I missed them while I was gone. But coming home was hard. I don't have a conclusion to this becaue I feel very confused. Maybe it was just a really good vacation. But life can't always be a vacation. Maybe I love too much to be happy. I really enjoy embracing every moment and squeezing the life out of it. I think I am a passionate person. Perhaps to a fault.